A year of virtues

I have decided that is it time to make a change. A small but important one. Each year I always make new years resolutions, however they usually don't last long because I make too many and most of them aren't very possible. But now I have a new plan. I decided that for each month of 2009 I want to make a small change-- a different one every month. For example, one month be more honest, or forgiving, or humble, or patient etc. I think that if I only focus on one for each month, such focus will really allow me to make actual, positive changes. This much I had decided about a week ago. When I had my "crisis" and decided that I need religion, this idea only became better.

So I started looking up Buddhism online, because I think I agree with a lot of the ideas associated with Buddhism. And what I found out is that part of Buddhism are the Ten Perfections which are: generosity, morality, renunciation, wisdom, energy, patience, truthfulness, resolute determination, loving kindness and equanimity. I think if I add on two of my own ideas a year living this way could really shape me into a better person. So I'm off to do some more research and figure out exactly what these would mean for me. Then I think I will pick one randomly for each month and set out to make a positive, conscience change in myself.

Happy (almost) New Years! 

Looking

A few nights ago I had a "mid-life" crisis. Of course it was probably more like "oh-god-I'm-a-senior-I-have-tons-of-work-to-do-and-my-life-is-so-disorganized" crisis. I realized it around midnight. My room was (and still is) a total disaster.  I have not started my twenty page thesis because at the last minute (actually way after the last minute) I changed my thesis topic. And got an extension. But then I couldn't go to the PSU library because of the snow. And now its winter break. So I realized I have that to do. And lots of government and math homework. And did I mention my room is a disaster? So I was contemplating of all this at midnight and I decided I needed to clean my room. So I started to but then my mom yelled at me because she was asleep and I was being very loud. So I lit some incense (it is very calming, plus I can't light it during normal hours because mama is allergic..) and some candles, put on some calming music and made an important phone call to my friend Alex. Alex is great because unlike my girl friends, Alex goes to sleep way late. And so do I. So when I decided that I was having this crisis I knew Alex would be there to answer the phone and help me through this. And he did. And while I was on the phone, at midnight, with Alex, I realized exactly what my life is missing; the ultimate organization: religion.

I crave structure. I need organization. But I am tired of all the hypocrisy and drama of Christianity. Even though I have been raised Christian (Presbyterian), and I have seen so many good things come out of it, I do not think Christianity is for me. I don't believe in it, and thats that. I am a three-year self-proclaimed agnostic. But now, instead of being what my family classifies as an "existentialist", I've decided to give religion another try. I really think it is just what is missing in my life. But I need something that is more me, I guess. Christianity is just too big of a deal, too hypocritical and too judged. I'm looking for something more spiritual and guiding, I guess.

So here I am, with no idea where to start. And I'm okay with that.