Looking

A few nights ago I had a "mid-life" crisis. Of course it was probably more like "oh-god-I'm-a-senior-I-have-tons-of-work-to-do-and-my-life-is-so-disorganized" crisis. I realized it around midnight. My room was (and still is) a total disaster.  I have not started my twenty page thesis because at the last minute (actually way after the last minute) I changed my thesis topic. And got an extension. But then I couldn't go to the PSU library because of the snow. And now its winter break. So I realized I have that to do. And lots of government and math homework. And did I mention my room is a disaster? So I was contemplating of all this at midnight and I decided I needed to clean my room. So I started to but then my mom yelled at me because she was asleep and I was being very loud. So I lit some incense (it is very calming, plus I can't light it during normal hours because mama is allergic..) and some candles, put on some calming music and made an important phone call to my friend Alex. Alex is great because unlike my girl friends, Alex goes to sleep way late. And so do I. So when I decided that I was having this crisis I knew Alex would be there to answer the phone and help me through this. And he did. And while I was on the phone, at midnight, with Alex, I realized exactly what my life is missing; the ultimate organization: religion.

I crave structure. I need organization. But I am tired of all the hypocrisy and drama of Christianity. Even though I have been raised Christian (Presbyterian), and I have seen so many good things come out of it, I do not think Christianity is for me. I don't believe in it, and thats that. I am a three-year self-proclaimed agnostic. But now, instead of being what my family classifies as an "existentialist", I've decided to give religion another try. I really think it is just what is missing in my life. But I need something that is more me, I guess. Christianity is just too big of a deal, too hypocritical and too judged. I'm looking for something more spiritual and guiding, I guess.

So here I am, with no idea where to start. And I'm okay with that.